Divorce Mediation in Ontario – the benefits you can expect!

Those who have used our divorce mediation process aka The Soft Landing Divorce Settlement Method find it fantastic, but they also say that many of their friends don’t even know what are the mediation benefits in separation and divorce. As a result, we are often told “You guys should do a simple ‘Top Nine Mediation Benefits. A Top Nine List so I can explain it to my friends”. So OK, here we give it a try, but, as it turns out, the hard part is picking only nine reasons.

It seems that many people have a fear of going to court that is closely related to a fear of public speaking. Being before a judge is not like standing before a firing squad, but you would never know that from the way many people feel about the prospect. With family mediation services as your conflict resolution method, you agree on the terms of your separation and then outline those terms in a Separation Agreement. No court process or court appearance are necessary.

Divorcing couples suing each other to end your marriage has always struck me as absurd. Starting a Court Case with Summons, Applications, Motions, Answers, and Affidavits – give me a break! The participants were married to each other, so even if there are now irreconcilable differences, this doesn’t mean that they cannot engage in a civilized discourse and provide for the orderly division of property and agree upon necessary parenting plans with adequate child support and/or spousal support within the framework of the law.

Any honest trial lawyer will tell you that litigation is crippling in the stress it creates. Family mediation, as compared to legal problems and litigation, is a walk in the park. Mediators insist upon respectful, non-threatening communication and the process is tolerant, enlightened, and downright refined as contrasted with traditional lawsuits. Leave legal advice to Lawyers and settlement negotiations to Mediators.

Mediators are neutral, remaining strictly in the middle. They are not on one side or the other. They advocate for neither party; they are the Devil’s advocate. They ask the tough questions and steadily move the process towards understanding and settlement. On the other hand, a lawyer, unless providing your service through a Legal Aid or Non Profit Center, has a profit motive. This is not an indictment, it is simply a fact.

If you ask a barber how you look, he’ll say you need a haircut. If you ask a lawyer what you need to do, they will say you need to sue.

Please don’t get me wrong, there are many excellent, honest and dedicated members of the family law bar and it has been my privilege to know quite a few of them, but every one of those straight talking righteous lawyers can tell you horror stories about other lawyers.

Even if you hire the most virtuous lawyer you can find, the other side might hook up with a barracuda and your legal fees will be astounding. It is better to engage a single professional who is neutral and will work it all out in a few mediation sessions, without paying a couple of lawyers to fight.

Did you know that, in Ontario, most family cases settle? There is some uncertainty as to the actual statistics, but the number generally given is near 96%.

Almost no cases go all the way to a trial. Why go through the expense and heartache of setting yourself into a “litigation” mentality if the probability of settlement is overwhelming? It is so much smarter to begin preparation, mental and tactical, for settlement from the onset of your dispute and skip the unnecessary umbrage.

When people have a “solution” imposed upon them by an outside agency, it is simply human nature to immediately begin scheming to thwart that imposition. Sure, a litigated divorce may specify a court ordered child pick-up and delivery schedule, but life means changes. What sounded just right in May no longer works in December.

It is much better to work with your spouse and develop the tools you need to deal with the changes that inevitably occur. What is more, the reluctant cooperation and “unintentional” foot dragging that often comes with imposed conditions is a formula for ongoing strife, friction and misery, even if it never rises to a level that justifies having the court act to try and remedy the other person’s conduct.

Mediation is a voluntary process, people who work together to create plans that they voluntarily agree upon are vested in those plans. There is a much higher likelihood that those people will abide by their agreement and have less conflict in the future.

With the high divorce costs in Ontario, if you are contemplating divorce you can choose litigation, or you can choose a more comfortable and affordable retirement.

One of the foremost pay offs that the parties to mediation achieve is the communication skills necessary to effectively reach agreement with their spouse. This may sound simple and not that meaningful an achievement, but the process of learning how to “get to yes” is just like any other talent. The way it develops is through 3 key elements: practice, practice, practice.

Once the parties to a separation have been through the process, have spent the time reasoning with one another, they oftentimes find that there is a carry-over and they can more easily deal with other issues as they present themselves during their ongoing co-parent relationship. People often tell us that they have never before experienced this sort of give and take with their partner. It is a great set of skills to cultivate.