How do you write a parenting plan?
Parenting Plan aka Custody agreement, aka Parenting Provisions, aka Child Arrangements
March 2021 Reformed Divorce Act – removed words: Custody, Visitation and Access.
A Parenting Plan has more flexibility than a traditional parenting schedule.
If you have conflicts around your parenting then mediation and arbitration are some great out-of-court options.
With a parenting plan you have complete control, not stuck with a Judge’s decision.
Critical to know how divorce impacts children and what you can do to minimize the sting.
Children who have two involved parents fare better than other children.
Your job as a parent should be to shield your child from this pain as much as possible.
A parenting plan might sound like a nicer term for a child custody agreement, but they include more information and offer more flexibility than a traditional parenting schedule.
Negotiated between the parents, these plans address many aspects of co-parenting. You and your co-parent can incorporate as much or as little information into a parenting plan as you want to, and you can agree to change your plan if you find it’s no longer working for your family’s needs.
The nice thing about a parenting plan is that you have complete control. You’re not stuck signing a document you don’t agree with or waiting for a family law judge to render a decision. Some families only address decision-making aka custody and parenting schedules in their parenting plans, while others go into much more detail. If you have conflicts around your parenting then mediation and arbitration are some great out court dispute resolution options. More about these options later.
What are the components of a parenting plan?
Decision Making and Time Sharing
With the new Divorce Act of March 2021, it is important to understand the terms custody, access and visitation have been eliminated. Access is now parenting time aka where the children reside. Custody is now decision-making. Examples of major decisions include: where the child will go to school, the type of education, religious upbringing, and non-emergency medical decisions. Joint Decision Making means that both parents retain legal decision-making authority; they make the decisions together. If one parent has the authority to make decisions it is called Sole Decision Making. If decision-making is a concern for you, then you should speak to a parenting specialist about this. There are many different permutations to the time-sharing or parenting time and it doesn’t have to be equal, nor is there one “right” plan. Many co-parents strive to develop a plan that best meets their children’s best interests.
Residential schedule
Where will the children reside; and how much time will the children have with each parent. Also, where will children be picked up and dropped off.
School Holidays and Special Occasions
Think about what days are important to you and discuss how these times can be shared. The holidays, days off and other important dates to consider are: Easter, Thanksgiving, Passover, Kwanzaa, Christmas, other major religious holidays, New Year’s Eve, long weekends, professional development days, birthdays (yours and your children’s), Halloween and so on.
Summer Schedule and Holidays
Will, there be an alternate schedule during this time to include camp, cottages, vacations, etc; or will the children continue with the regular schedule?
First Right of Refusal
Guidelines for who will provide care for the children when the parent who is responsible for the children at that time, is unable to do so.
Parenting Style
How will you discipline your children? When and how will you talk to them about tricky issues such as sex, drugs, alcohol, and dating? Will both parents talk to the child or will one parent be charged with this task? What will happen when one parent begins dating a new individual? Will overnight visitors of the opposite sex be allowed? At what point is it appropriate to introduce a child to a significant other? Must the parent also introduce his or her ex-spouse to this person?
Disagreements
How will you handle parenting disagreements? Does one parent have final say over religion while the other has final say over education? If there is a major conflict that you can’t resolve, who will you consult?
Supporting Relationships
What will each parent do to support the child’s relationship with the other parent? What happens if a child has trouble getting along with one parent?
After you and your ex-spouse agree to a parenting plan, you’ll sign it and file it with the court. It then becomes a legally enforceable document. This means that, should your spouse violate the terms of the plan, you’ll have recourse. And unlike traditional court orders, you’ll have a way of ensuring shared values and agreements about religion, parenting philosophy, discipline style, and other issues that aren’t typically addressed in standard court-ordered parenting arrangements.
Extra-Curricular Activities
How do the children get signed up for programs, how are decisions made, what if the activity falls on the other parent’s time, and who ensures the child gets to the activity?
Travel
Is each parent allowed to travel with the children outside of the province or state? Is there flexibility if the travel required is on the other parent’s time? Note: A Consent to Travel letter needs to be provided when you are traveling alone with your children. This letter needs to be signed by your children’s other parent. Templates for a letter may be found online by inputting “consent to travel with one parent”.
Children's Documents
Who has responsibility for them?
Education
Who has responsibility for choosing which school the children attend – is this joint or sole decision? Do you attend parent interviews together, or on your own? What about other school related decisions such as helping with homework and attending events?
Counselling
Who has responsibility for making decisions regarding counselling for the children – is this a joint or sole decision?
Religion
How are religious differences handled and how are decisions made? Is this a joint or sole decision?
The Effects of Divorce on Children
Before you begin working on your parenting plan, it’s critical to know how divorce impacts children and what you can do to minimize the sting.
Your parenting plan will have far-reaching ramifications for the rest of your child’s adolescence, and hurting your ex should not factor into the equation. Instead, you’ll need to work together to come up with a plan that is designed to benefit your children and that works for each of your lifestyles.
How do you set co parenting boundaries?
No matter how angry you are at your ex—no matter what he or she has done to you—your child still needs both parents. Numerous studies have documented that children who have two involved parents fare better than other children on a broad variety of measures such as academic performance and psychological well-being. Even more interesting, one study found that parents who have shared parenting arrangements are happier, more emotionally balanced, and report more satisfaction with their parenting plans five years after their divorce. Don’t sacrifice the long-term well-being of your children in favour of the short-term attraction of hurting your spouse.
When you’re developing a parenting plan, keep the following points in mind:
- Each of you has something valuable to offer your child.
- Each of you needs and deserves time with the child.
- Disagreements do not mean either of you is a bad parent.
- Work to constructively resolve disagreements with practical solutions rather than escalating a dispute.
- Ask your ex-spouse what he or she needs, and express your needs clearly in language that is neither confrontational nor blaming.
Your child came from both you and your ex. This means that when you criticize your ex in front of your child, you’re criticizing your child. When you alienate your ex, you tell your child that half of him is unacceptable. While it might not be possible to be best friends with your ex, getting along is key, and you should never criticize your ex in front of your child.
Supporting Your Child's Relationship With Your Ex
It might be hard, particularly in the heat of a divorce, but one of the best gifts you can give your child is to support his or her relationship with your ex. Always talk about your ex in positive terms when your child is at your house. For example, ask your child, “Did you have fun with Daddy? Are you and Daddy reading any good books?”
Maintain open communication, and allow your child to call and e-mail your ex freely. Your child should never feel as though his or her relationship with your ex is hurtful to you.
Strategies for supporting the relationship between your child and your ex include the following:
- Offering strategies for dealing with conflicts without blaming your ex. If your child has a problem with your ex, treat this problem the same way you would have when you were still married!
- Speaking positively about your ex.
- Sharing some events together if you can.
- Attempting to have a good relationship with your ex’s significant other.
- Keeping in touch with your ex so you know of any issues that arise while your child is at your ex’s home.
Reactions to Divorce
Divorce is hard for even the most resilient children, and all too often, children bear the brunt of the burden by shuttling back and forth between houses and always having to miss one parent.
Your job as a parent should be to shield your child from this pain as much as possible. Remain positive, and do not make your child responsible for your emotions. Never guilt her for loving the other parent or undermine her relationship with the other parent. Despite even the best efforts, though, your child might have some negative reactions to your divorce. These often go away after a few months, but if they don’t, you might need to consult a therapist or other child expert.
Common reactions to divorce include the following:
Temper tantrums and frequent expressions of anger
Anxiety
Nightmares and difficulty sleeping
Shyness
Changes in energy level
Frequent crying and depression
Regressing to an earlier developmental stage (e.g., “forgetting” potty training)
Consulting Your Children When Making a Parenting Plan
Your children should not be left out of the process of making a parenting plan. This is especially true if they are older. Ask your child what she wants. You might find that your child hates going back and forth during the week, so spending the school year with one parent and the summer with the other could be a good option.
In many locations, children are able to decide which parent they want to live with when they reach a certain age, but you are still the parent, and you and your ex need to work together to find something that works for your child. If your child suddenly doesn’t like your ex, do not nurture this dislike! Instead, try to mediate the conflict and encourage the two to work it out. If, conversely, your child no longer wants to live with you, don’t get angry. Talk to her about the problem and work together to resolve it.
How to write a parenting plan
There are as many different parenting plans as there are parents. A parenting plan is a “living document,” which means it’s not set in stone. You and your ex can choose to change it in a few months or a few years. Consequently, whatever approach you use, it’s important that you and your ex are able to work together.
Mediation
Working with your ex might seem like a pipe dream, particularly with the sting of a divorce fresh in your mind. If you and your ex can’t agree to a parenting plan, mediation can help you work through some of your differences. But even if you’re able to agree, mediation may still be a good option. A mediator can bring up issues you might not have thought about such as how you’re going to split holidays or who decides the child’s religion.
You can use either private or court-based mediators. While court mediators are generally less expensive, they may have fewer suggestions for mediating any disputes that arise.
Do-It-Yourself
A do-it-yourself parenting plan is one you and your spouse create together before submitting to the court. Many people opt to print parenting plans off of the Internet and fill them in. While this option is less expensive, it may result in neglecting important information. Before you agree to a parenting plan, make sure it addresses all major possibilities and that it gives you, your spouse, and your children a good degree of security and a strong idea of what to expect in the future. Consider consulting with a mediator for one session and ask the mediator to review your plan.
How a Parenting Plan Benefit Parents
You might be tempted to duke it out in court with your ex for months or even years, but a parenting plan is a much wiser strategy that protects everyone’s well-being. Indeed, a parenting plan may be the best gift you can give yourself.
Decreased Conflict
A parenting plan, almost by definition, decreases conflict. Rather than being told by the court what to do, you and your spouse will come to an agreement, often with the help of a mediator. You won’t feel like you’re giving up time with your child or being forced into a schedule you hate. And because a parenting plan allows you and your spouse to address whatever issues you want, you may end up fighting less. If religion, school, or discipline have always been contentious issues, you can address these in your parenting plan and stop fighting about them. Once the court approves your parenting plan, it will become a legally enforceable document, which means that if someone breaks the rules, you won’t be left without options.
More Control
Old-style custody arrangements address visitation and not much else. But a parenting plan allows you to address whatever issues you want and gives you the opportunity to be creative with your “child arrangements. Perhaps child exchanges during the week or weekend, don’t work well for your family. A parenting plan lets you pick a schedule that works for everyone, rather than having a schedule everyone hates imposed upon you by a judge.
Saving Money
“Custody Battles” are extremely expensive, costing you thousands of dollars. Paying a mediator to help you develop a plan is much cheaper. Even better, studies show that parents are more likely to actually follow a parenting plan. This means it’s much less likely you’ll end up in court because the odds of one parent violating the parenting plan are decreased when you work together.
Planning and Certainty
A parenting plan gives you peace of mind. You don’t have to worry if Christmas is going to cause a fight or if you and your ex are going to continue to disagree over discipline tactics. When everything is outlined in painstaking detail, you’ll know exactly what to expect. This makes it easier to plan your time with your child and makes the future seem inviting and hopeful rather than terrifying and uncertain. As one divorced mother said, “I used to cry daily, wondering if I’d be able to spend holidays with my children or if we’d ever resolve our custody dispute. The parenting plan gave us the freedom to control our own lives and has given all of us more certainty.”
Parenting Plans are in the best interest of the children
When you make financial, “custody” and other divorce decisions, the well-being of your children should be the first thing on your mind. More than half of children whose parents get embroiled in “custody” battles develop depression, but a parenting plan can save them from this misery. Your child can rest easy, with complete security that she’ll have substantive time with both parents.
Less Stress
More than anything, children crave security and consistency. A parenting plan gives them both. Your child will always know with which parent she will be, and can plan birthdays, outings, visits with friends, and projects accordingly. She also won’t be stuck wondering when she’ll see her other parent next or if her parents will ever resolve their conflicts.
Improved Well-Being
Children whose parents develop parenting plans and who spend time with each parent have numerous benefits, including the following:
- Better academic performance
- Higher satisfaction with their parents’ child arrangements
- Fewer behavioural problems
- Better mental health, including a lower rate of depression
- Lower risk of risky behaviour such as sex, drug use, and alcohol consumption
- Stronger relationships with friends
- A more positive view of marriage and romantic relationships
Stronger Relationships
Perhaps the most important benefit of a parenting plan is that it improves your child’s relationship with both of her parents. He’ll have guaranteed time with each of the people he loves most, and the open communication fostered by a parenting plan helps your child know that he’s not betraying you by loving his other parent.
But relationships don’t begin and end with parents. Your child may have grandparents, half siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, godparents, and friends that he only sees when he is with one parent. Your parenting plan keeps these relationships, which are often vital for helping kids get through the stress of divorce, strong and intact.
Resolving Conflicts
Even parents with the best intentions occasionally can’t resolve a parenting issue. But it’s unfair to your children when you and your ex are perpetually fighting about the same thing. You have a few different options when one parent violates the agreement, when you can’t agree about what to put in the parenting plan, or when you want to change the plan but your ex doesn’t.
Parenting Coordinator
A parenting coordinator should be your first stop when you can’t agree on something. These professionals are trained in mental health and can offer advice on how to protect your child’s well-being. You’ll need to agree to a particular parenting coordinator, and should consult with him or her at least once before there’s conflict—and put that specific parenting coordinator in your parenting plan with a parenting coordination agreement. Decide how much control you want to give the parenting coordinator, and put this in your parenting plan. Many parenting plans give parenting coordinators the power to make minor alterations regarding visitation, to refer parents or children for counselling, and to make changes to discipline strategies. Most parenting issues can be worked out with the assistance of a parenting coordinator.
Mediation
Mediation is key if you can’t decide on a parenting plan independently, and a good mediator can help you resolve things in a few hours. If you already have a plan in place and parenting coordination has failed, mediation is the next step. Mediators put a bit of pressure on both parties and encourage each parent to make decisions that protect the well-being of their children.
Where to find a Neutral Professional
Mediators may also be members of one of the following organizations, each of which provides standards of professional conduct and complaints processes:
- Ontario Association for Family Mediation
- Family Mediation Canada
- ADR Institute of Ontario
- Family Dispute Resolution Institute of Ontario (FDRIO)
Other Professionals working as Neutrals
Legal Action
Legal action should be a last resort, because it can be costly, stressful, and extremely damaging to your child. Give mediation several weeks to work, and never skip mediation in favour of suing unless your child’s life or well-being is in immediate danger. And most importantly, never ignore a court order, including a parenting plan. Denying visitation, making false allegations of abuse, or attempting to undermine your child’s relationship with her other parent are dangerous strategies that will harm your child and can affect your legal standing.
New Ways for Families
New Ways for Families® is a structured parenting skills method intended to reduce the impact of conflict on the children in potentially high-conflict divorce and separation cases. It can be used whenever a parent or the court believes one parent needs restricted parenting time (supervised, no contact, limited time), at the start of a case or any time a parent requests it–including after the divorce.
This method emphasizes strengthening skills for positive future behaviour (new ways), rather than focusing on past negative behaviour – while still acknowledging it. It helps to protect children as their families re-organize in new ways after a separation or divorce, by teaching parents skills for long-term co-parenting. It can be used with married or never-married parents.
New Ways for Families should teach parents the skills to put their children first by improving their co-parenting skills and jointly making their parenting decisions out-of-court, which reduces the time the court must spend deciding for them. When parents make their own parenting decisions, they are more likely to follow the agreements.
This method can be used in family court (as a requirement prior to the court deciding), mediation, collaborative divorce, pre-mediation coaching, or even post-divorce assisted by a Parenting Coordinator or High Conflict Case Manager.
More about New Ways for Families®
Conclusion
A Parenting Plan plan is a written document that will affect both you and your children for years, so it’s important not to rush through the process. Each family is different, but there are common themes that need to be covered in any good parenting plan.
Are you having trouble reaching an agreement on your parenting? Do you want to avoid going before the judge and asking for help? Consider working with a family mediator who can help you end your marriage in a way that is peaceful, cost-effective, and child-focused.
Would you like to learn more? Get in touch for a Get Acquainted Call to learn more about finding a separation agreement with a soft landing.
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The nice thing about a parenting plan is that you have complete control. You’re not stuck signing a document you don’t agree with or waiting for a judge to render a custody decision. Some families only address custody and visitation in their parenting plans, while others get into much more detail.
Before you begin working on your parenting plan, it’s critical to know how divorce impacts children and what you can do to minimize the sting.
A parenting plan might sound like a nicer term for a custody agreement, but parenting plans offer much more information and much more flexibility than traditional custody agreements.
- What is a Parenting Plan?
- Custody and visitation
- Holidays and special occasions
- Parenting style
- Disagreements
- Supporting relationships
- The Effects of Divorce on Children
- The Importance of Both Parents
- Dealing With Your Ex-Spouse
- Supporting Your Child’s Relationship With Your Ex
- Reactions to Divorce
- Consulting your children when you make a parenting plan
- How to Develop a Parenting Plan
- Mediation
- Do-It-Yourself
- How Parenting Plans Benefit Parents
- Decreased Conflict
- More Control
- Saving Money
- Planning and Certainty
- Benefits to Children of Parenting Plans
- Less Stress
- Improved Well-Being
- Stronger Relationships
- How to Write Your Plan
- Custody and Visitation
- Decision-Making
- Parenting Philosophy
- Addressing Conflicts
- Consulting With Children
- Resolving Conflicts
- Parenting Coordinator
- Mediation
- Legal Action
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Ken S, Maynard CDFA
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Ken Maynard CDFA, Acc.FM
I help smart and successful couples, create separation agreements with clarity and soft landings for secure futures, in 4 meetings or less without all the lawyer created overwhelming conflicts, confusion and costs. You can work with me by video conference or with a DTSW associate at any of our 6 DTSW Greater Toronto mediation centers, including | Aurora | Barrie | North York | Vaughan | Mississauga | Scarborough.
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