How do you write a parenting plan?

With the new Divorce Act of March 2021, it is important to understand the terms custody, access and visitation have been eliminated. Access is now parenting time aka where the children reside. Custody is now decision-making. Examples of major decisions include: where the child will go to school, the type of education, religious upbringing, and non-emergency medical decisions. Joint Decision Making means that both parents retain legal decision-making authority; they make the decisions together. If one parent has the authority to make decisions it is called Sole Decision Making. If decision-making is a concern for you, then you should speak to a parenting specialist about this. There are many different permutations to the time-sharing or parenting time and it doesn’t have to be equal, nor is there one “right” plan. Many co-parents strive to develop a plan that best meets their children’s best interests.

Where will the children reside; and how much time will the children have with each parent. Also, where will children be picked up and dropped off.

Think about what days are important to you and discuss how these times can be shared. The holidays, days off and other important dates to consider are: Easter, Thanksgiving, Passover, Kwanzaa, Christmas, other major religious holidays, New Year’s Eve, long weekends, professional development days, birthdays (yours and your children’s), Halloween and so on.

Will, there be an alternate schedule during this time to include camp, cottages, vacations, etc; or will the children continue with the regular schedule?

Guidelines for who will provide care for the children when the parent who is responsible for the children at that time, is unable to do so.

How will you discipline your children? When and how will you talk to them about tricky issues such as sex, drugs, alcohol, and dating? Will both parents talk to the child or will one parent be charged with this task? What will happen when one parent begins dating a new individual? Will overnight visitors of the opposite sex be allowed? At what point is it appropriate to introduce a child to a significant other? Must the parent also introduce his or her ex-spouse to this person?

How will you handle parenting disagreements? Does one parent have final say over religion while the other has final say over education? If there is a major conflict that you can’t resolve, who will you consult?

What will each parent do to support the child’s relationship with the other parent? What happens if a child has trouble getting along with one parent?

After you and your ex-spouse agree to a parenting plan, you’ll sign it and file it with the court. It then becomes a legally enforceable document. This means that, should your spouse violate the terms of the plan, you’ll have recourse. And unlike traditional court orders, you’ll have a way of ensuring shared values and agreements about religion, parenting philosophy, discipline style, and other issues that aren’t typically addressed in standard court-ordered parenting arrangements.

How do the children get signed up for programs, how are decisions made, what if the activity falls on the other parent’s time, and who ensures the child gets to the activity?

Is each parent allowed to travel with the children outside of the province or state? Is there flexibility if the travel required is on the other parent’s time? Note: A Consent to Travel letter needs to be provided when you are traveling alone with your children. This letter needs to be signed by your children’s other parent. Templates for a letter may be found online by inputting “consent to travel with one parent”.

Who has responsibility for them?

Who has responsibility for choosing which school the children attend – is this joint or sole decision? Do you attend parent interviews together, or on your own? What about other school related decisions such as helping with homework and attending events?

Who has responsibility for making decisions regarding counselling for the children – is this a joint or sole decision?

Your child came from both you and your ex. This means that when you criticize your ex in front of your child, you’re criticizing your child. When you alienate your ex, you tell your child that half of him is unacceptable. While it might not be possible to be best friends with your ex, getting along is key, and you should never criticize your ex in front of your child.

It might be hard, particularly in the heat of a divorce, but one of the best gifts you can give your child is to support his or her relationship with your ex. Always talk about your ex in positive terms when your child is at your house. For example, ask your child, “Did you have fun with Daddy? Are you and Daddy reading any good books?”

Maintain open communication, and allow your child to call and e-mail your ex freely. Your child should never feel as though his or her relationship with your ex is hurtful to you.

Working with your ex might seem like a pipe dream, particularly with the sting of a divorce fresh in your mind. If you and your ex can’t agree to a parenting plan, mediation can help you work through some of your differences. But even if you’re able to agree, mediation may still be a good option. A mediator can bring up issues you might not have thought about such as how you’re going to split holidays or who decides the child’s religion.

You can use either private or court-based mediators. While court mediators are generally less expensive, they may have fewer suggestions for mediating any disputes that arise.

A parenting plan, almost by definition, decreases conflict. Rather than being told by the court what to do, you and your spouse will come to an agreement, often with the help of a mediator. You won’t feel like you’re giving up time with your child or being forced into a schedule you hate. And because a parenting plan allows you and your spouse to address whatever issues you want, you may end up fighting less. If religion, school, or discipline have always been contentious issues, you can address these in your parenting plan and stop fighting about them. Once the court approves your parenting plan, it will become a legally enforceable document, which means that if someone breaks the rules, you won’t be left without options.

Old-style custody arrangements address visitation and not much else. But a parenting plan allows you to address whatever issues you want and gives you the opportunity to be creative with your “child arrangements. Perhaps child exchanges during the week or weekend, don’t work well for your family. A parenting plan lets you pick a schedule that works for everyone, rather than having a schedule everyone hates imposed upon you by a judge.

“Custody Battles” are extremely expensive, costing you thousands of dollars. Paying a mediator to help you develop a plan is much cheaper. Even better, studies show that parents are more likely to actually follow a parenting plan. This means it’s much less likely you’ll end up in court because the odds of one parent violating the parenting plan are decreased when you work together.

More than anything, children crave security and consistency. A parenting plan gives them both. Your child will always know with which parent she will be, and can plan birthdays, outings, visits with friends, and projects accordingly. She also won’t be stuck wondering when she’ll see her other parent next or if her parents will ever resolve their conflicts.

Children whose parents develop parenting plans and who spend time with each parent have numerous benefits, including the following:

• Better academic performance
• Higher satisfaction with their parents’ child arrangements
• Fewer behavioural problems
• Better mental health, including a lower rate of depression
• Lower risk of risky behaviour such as sex, drug use, and alcohol consumption
• Stronger relationships with friends
• A more positive view of marriage and romantic relationships

A parenting coordinator should be your first stop when you can’t agree on something. These professionals are trained in mental health and can offer advice on how to protect your child’s well-being. You’ll need to agree to a particular parenting coordinator, and should consult with him or her at least once before there’s conflict—and put that specific parenting coordinator in your parenting plan with a parenting coordination agreement. Decide how much control you want to give the parenting coordinator, and put this in your parenting plan. Many parenting plans give parenting coordinators the power to make minor alterations regarding visitation, to refer parents or children for counselling, and to make changes to discipline strategies. Most parenting issues can be worked out with the assistance of a parenting coordinator.

Legal action should be a last resort, because it can be costly, stressful, and extremely damaging to your child. Give mediation several weeks to work, and never skip mediation in favour of suing unless your child’s life or well-being is in immediate danger. And most importantly, never ignore a court order, including a parenting plan. Denying visitation, making false allegations of abuse, or attempting to undermine your child’s relationship with her other parent are dangerous strategies that will harm your child and can affect your legal standing.