Does anyone actually know what conscious uncoupling is? People always think they know, and say that it’s what Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin did years ago, but do we even know what they did? No, of course we don’t. Let’s be honest, we never know what celebrities do. That’s why turning to Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s high-profile divorce for an explanation of conscious uncoupling simply won’t do.

Conscious uncoupling is more than just a vamped-up term for amicable divorce. To go inside the culture of conscious uncoupling we need to read more and know more than the blogpost written by Paltrow’s lifestyle company that merely scratched the surface.

To dive deep, and I mean really deep, we need to start at the beginning. Well, in this case let’s start with endings – with divorce.

Henry VIII’s annulment to Catherine of Aragon not only marked the creation of an entirely new church, but it marked the beginning of an entirely new marital status – divorced. But we don’t have to go all the way back to the 15th century to talk about conscious uncoupling.

The point is back in the olden days, divorce was originally introduced because of the King’s alleged dissatisfaction with the Queen’s inability to birth a son. Although Henry VIII’s reasons for separating from his wife are not as common as to why people consciously uncouple today, there is a similarity between this 500-year-old divorce and Paltrow’s split from musician, Chris Martin.

Both terms were brought to the public by people with substantial power and recognition. The comparison here is not to say that celebrities like Paltrow and Martin are the modern-day queens and kings, it is to say that these terms only gain notoriety when displayed by “important” people. This is crucial to note in order to understand how divorce, and consequently conscious uncoupling, has been stigmatized.

Divorce has come a long way since the 15th century, but the stigma attached to it hasn’t really budged. The Family and Youth Institute writes that couples still face shame from stigma “brought on by a lack of education and understanding,” intensifying feelings of loneliness throughout the divorce process and creating a negative impact on mental health and well-being.

The shame couples face is not because divorce means that a wife wasn’t able to birth a son, it’s because of the fact that divorce goes against a traditional system of norms and beliefs (as proven by Henry VIII’s need to form his own church just to get a divorce). The negative connotation surrounding a marriage break-up is just as scandalous today as it was back in the 1500s — remaining as one of the most popular reasons why celebrity couples continuously make headlines.

To add to the scandal of divorce is conscious uncoupling. Paltrow did not coin the term contrary to popular belief, marriage and family therapist, Katherine Woodward Thomas did. Woodward Thomas’ book, Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After, details the process of separating from your partner as an opportunity for self-growth amidst the mending of a weakened heart, challenging the widely known negative undertones behind divorce.

Yet, in the same way that divorce was once attached to royal family drama centuries ago, conscious uncoupling has been tied to celebrities and billionaires who just want to keep bad press at a minimum. Ella Ceron of New York Magazine writes that the rich and famous could instead follow “the more tried-and-true route: asking that the paparazzi respect [their] family’s privacy” as they finalize their separation.

But as mentioned earlier, conscious uncoupling goes beyond Paltrow and Martin’s squeaky-clean divorce image. It’s about changing the notion of divorce and normalizing the idea that separating can be a willful and sentient decision.

The shame and guilt brought on by the seven-letter word can do more damage than the physical act of separating. To combat remorse, pity, and all other negative connotations encompassing divorce is to work towards the liberating process of consciously uncoupling. The reasons as to why couples separate are usually much larger than the last straw that was drawn to finalize the divorce.

Therefore, to fully understand how individuals within a marriage have changed, self-reflection needs to be implemented. Separating from your spouse does not have to signify the tragic end of a relationship, instead it can be an opportunity for growth on behalf of both parties. Even if the process of separating happens independently, consciously uncoupling will allow you to view the conclusion of your marriage in relation to yourself in a much healthier and positive manner.

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